WIP Wednesday

rag rug and supplies on cutting table start date: 20 February 2015
elapsed time: 2 weeks 5 days
completeness: 65%

I hate this rug.  I hate it.

Rationally, I know that a big part of why I feel repulsed by it right now is that I fall out of love with virtually all of my bigger, longer-term projects.  I like RESULTS, and that’s not really compatible with braiding and sewing a rug together out of 2″ wide scraps of fabric.

But it’s more than that.

Projects that take “too long” for me underline that I am not in control of my life.  I start to obsess about all the other things I’m trying to do that are taking too long– like how we aren’t making much progress on paying off our student loans, or how we aren’t mortgage-ready so we can’t build our house, or how I had really planned to have a new baby by now, or how I haven’t yet found the right midwifery apprenticeship, or how, no matter how much time and patience I put into my parenting, my children are still developmentally incapable of empathy or foresight.

I feel like I’m running up a loose sand dune– grueling work, not much progress to show for it.

My rational mind, of course, thinks this is all nonsense.  “So you haven’t achieved every last one of your major life goals yet– you’re 27 freaking years old!  Why worry about things you can’t control?  Get over it, emo-kid.  Some people in this world have real problems.  You have a great life and are just pissy because you couldn’t custom-order it exactly the way you’d design.”

And that makes it worse, because then I feel guilty for feeling depressed, and then we arrive at what Allie Brosh describes WAAAY better than I ever could.  Except that I can additionally pity myself because I have never broken through the barrier to the I-don’t-give-a-fuck-I-feel-nothing stage, and that kind of sounds like it might be nice.

Last night, while we were lying in bed and ostensibly trying to sleep, I was overcome by my freak-out and confessed tearfully to Robert– “I hate that rug.”

me working on my rag rug

And he said, quite reasonably (and therefore EXTREMELY IRRITATINGLY): “Why? It looks great!”


And he’s right.  But I’m right, too.

New to the rug this week are one of Robert’s old scouting shirts, more boxers,  and scraps of some maternity pajama pants I wore when I was pregnant with Númenor.

3 thoughts on “WIP Wednesday

  1. Learned that it is not possible to leave comments on old posts, so here I will add that the first post I read was about the family commenting on weight loss – it made me angry and I thought about an idea I’d recently encountered that praise is still judgment just like criticism and when we accept the judgment of others then we may lose the hold we have of our own. I struggle with my weight and it is imperative I keep my own values in focus and where my weight serves or does not serve me. Your posting about Grace and Walnut Oil also created an echo within – the fear that was constantly used and/or present in my childhood and how I recognized your effort to have a different experience for your smalls. Even yelling was recognized! Wow. Also enjoyed your big lessons and other such stuff. Thanks for posting. Life is so complex and it’s helpful to see how others dance with it.

    1. Everyone’s life is a WIP. Sometimes that’s a source of comfort and hope– because you can still make changes and improvements– and sometimes it’s a frustration because there’s still so much to fix, so many bad habits to break.

      Thanks for reading! Glad you’re finding things that speak to you– life is so vast, and yet the fundamentals of the human experience are so universal. It amazes me.

Comments are closed.