Furiously Happy

I was immensely lucky and won a signed advance copy of The Bloggess’ new book a few weeks ago.

I devoured it, the way middle school English teachers who haven’t quite had all the passion beaten out of them by the system tell you to devour poems: with your senses, your heart, your imagination, and then finally your brain.

I laughed and cried and was angry and relieved and even though Jenny and I have very little in common, I saw myself in every story. Because I am broken. I am anxious and depressed and have panic attacks and PTSD flashbacks and spend most of my life trying to avoid strangers and the unknown.

But I have also come to realize in recent years that my brokenness is part of my beauty.

There’s a Japanese pottery tradition, kintsugi, in which a broken vessel is repaired with gold dust resin, making the finished article more precious than it was before it broke.

That is where I find myself. My parts are fitted to each other with golden joinery, showing forever where I have broken, but reclaiming the shards as evidence of a transformation rather than as scattered debris of violence.

 

I’m broken because I have lost, because I have been attacked, because I was under too much pressure.

I’m furiously happy because I create, because I surround myself with people who cherish me, because I have learned to seek relief.

And I am not alone in my beautiful brokenness.  There are a lot of us out there who shattered, who now live with gold dust in our cracks, making them shine out in the half-light.

We can’t hide our brokenness, but that’s okay.  Having broken makes us human.  We mend ourselves with show and with beauty, and we are all the more precious in the end.

3 thoughts on “Furiously Happy

  1. Oh, my. So much. So deep. I too am full of golden seams that show. I too have learned I have a PTSD, though not flashbacks of the type friends do. I try to remember that my brokenness reflects my humanity and my sensitivity. I too know anxiety and depression. I have experienced some moments of furious happiness – too few, so I am trying to open myself to the possibility of more. Wishing you amazing quantities of soothing connections, to the earth, to loved ones, to your future.

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